My Moms Sick and I Can't Find My Socks Commercial

I remember the first time I felt it. We were on a trip to Florida and staying in a darling little bungalow with a pool right on the beach. It was the absolute best of all worlds — the sand and surf for my husband and second oldest son who loved the ocean water, and the chlorinated pool for my other sons and me, who lounged there all day long in the hot sun.

It was a dream vacation. Only, I couldn't stop burning with jealousy every time I looked at the family staying in the next rental home over. They were on the beach at the same times we were. They were taking a plethora of pictures against the backdrop of the sparkling ocean and the amazing sunsets just like we were. They had two adorable twin boys just like we did.

Only, I was certain one of them was not dying like one of ours was.

We were in Florida because the doctor told us to go, make a memory, enjoy the time left that we had with our 5-year-old son who had recently been diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor. Yes, we were having fun. Yes, we were making memories; but that was all overshadowed by a signed Do Not Resuscitate order for our child that was waiting for us back at home.

Chemotherapy, radiation, doctor's appointments, uncertainty, fear, and a possibly a funeral in the near future were what I was thinking about as I snapped pictures of my boys in front of the ocean. I knew the mother next door to me, as she posed her boys in front of the sunset telling them to hug and say "cheese," was probably not concerned about any of those things.

I'm sure we both started out the same way: hopeful, delighted, and a little sick to our stomachs that we now had TWO babies to take care of. I'm sure we both imagined how they would be best buddies, playing the same sports, having the same friends, sleeping in bunk beds, and maybe even going off to college together.

Always having each other's backs — forever and ever.

Though now, in our world, that picture drastically changed. It became one of a twinless twin; someone who would have to navigate the "firsts" of life without the one person he had started that life with. His friend, his companion, his protector was being tragically taken away.

Every time I saw those twins and their mother on that beach, I went back inside our house. I burned with jealousy for what they still had that I was losing.

When I dreamed of becoming a mother, I always fantasized about having twins. I thought it would be fun; and when they were here by luck and good fortune, it was fun! Yes, it was hard — so exhausting — at times; but I was never bored or depressed as a new mother. I loved having two babies at once.

Their personalities were so different and unique. I never dressed them alike or even talked to them the same way. They were two separate little people, and I was so excited to see how they would grow and what kind of relationship they would form.

Now that's gone, and I look at parents of twins and feel so jealous. I see their posts on Facebook — "The twins started school today!" —and I have to close my computer and walk away with tears streaming down my face.

I see my twins' first preschool friends — also twins — who are in sixth grade now. They are so tall and so different from one another. I can't help comparing and wondering how my twins would be now at that age. It's hard for me to look at them.

I see twins sitting together, huddled close and whispering — no doubt talking about "twin things" — and I have to look away.

When I hear that someone I know is pregnant with twins? It almost does me in. I don't want to feel jealous or angry or resentful toward other parents because of their twins. Parenting twins is such a wonderfully unique gift. But one unfortunately that I was only able to experience for five years.

I still think about those twin boys we saw on the beach five years ago. I imagine their mother talking and laughing with her friends about "the twins." I wonder how old they are now. I wonder if they look alike and have the same friends and the same interests.

Mostly, despite the jealousy that still burns inside me, I force myself to hope they are both still healthy and happy.

Because, after all, that's all I ever wanted for my twins.

Courtesy of Kathy Glow

Kathy Glow Kathy Glow - writer, blogger kissing the frog a blog about what life is really like after all your dreams come true http://www.lifewiththefrog.com

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My Moms Sick and I Can't Find My Socks Commercial

Source: https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/a34612/sick-child-jealous-mother/

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